I bet that it will wear off
this void I’ve been
avoiding will fade
because feelings never last forever,
it always fades.
I waited but
they only come by to say,
these automated phrases-
drive me crazy!
“How are you?”
at least the ones I’ve been
taught to expect and I know
they only leave
when you’re honest,
they only stay
to change you.
in hopes, you’ll become
more typical.
As if it isn’t me
trying my best while
existing in this social culture
I’m fighting against
with a “brain difference”
but why can’t I just be
myself.
No, instead fumbling for words
Try to write when your words feel like marbles fallen to the ground
Grasping
for
as
many
as
you
can
simultaneously pushing them out of reach
stepping closer only to trip
and
fall
again
It feels like nothing matters
It feels like everything matters
It feels like I am matter
I get madder every day
Sew your socks together and walk forward, I dare you
I dare you to try and find joy when you feel sewn together
Falling apart
A part of me wants to mend the pieces that fall a part
Fall
When you trip and fall
Try and smile with your face flat in the mud
When the mudd is creeping and seeping in between your teeth
Show me your teeth!
A smile bright and white and clean would bring you more comfort?
I didn’t ask to be clean
I didn’t ask to be dirty
To be dirt
I don’t want to become dirt
I will become dirt
When I trip and fall
When my face falls flat
Flat into the mudd
I dare you to find joy, when your body feels like pre soil
Walking pre soil
Future car oil
I dare you to find joy, when you feel like car oil
When you feel like dust
Like matter
What's the matter?
I feel like car oil
like dust
Soil
What’s the matter?
I want to wake up dry, not covered in sweat
I want to wake up without the sick racing feeling in my chest
I want to wake up without fear, to take comfort in my own body
to wage a war so furiously and consistently with myself is exhausting
I AM exhausted
I AM matter
Comfort or be comforted?
Either way all I think of is dead
“Dear god please help me”
God damn!
There I go again
But it had to be said
It had to be said that all I think of is dead
God damn it...
You said! You said!
Oh but you said!
You said if I prayed on my knees by my bed
I need not worry nor dread
Now that I don’t believe what
You said, oh you said
I still can’t get the words out of my head!
That I’d
“Burn for eternity”
“Paradise for an eternity”
They said
But it didn’t make sense in my head
Glory or glorious look what you’ve done to us!
Riddled with fear I must
Make my own way
Find comfort my way
They say
I will need to find my way
Back to you?
You oh glorious you
But you don’t want me
And
I
Don’t
Want
You
I wonder sometimes
I wonder most of the time
I wonder all of the time
Wonder is the never ending bain of my existence
I can’t sleep because of it
I can’t eat because of it
I feel sick because of it
Wonder is insistent
It’s layered questions
It’s everything that’s out of my control
It’s fear
Wonder is the absence of silence
I’m a shell and it lives inside me
Rapid thoughts without answers
My heart is racing
What if I always wonder?
What if wonder never leaves me alone?
I wonder
You know, maybe some thoughts shouldn't be shared
scared
of what? Losing people who aren't even there?
Thoughts I would have forgot if you didn't remind me
again why I care
remind me again why they shouldn't be shared
such a shame we live in a constant state of
performance
romance
romanticize your life they tell you
a new take on rose colored glasses
all your heads are up your asses.
O, isn’t it obvious that I’m overwhelmed?
I wake up to a life where I’m predictably bound
Borders surround me and act like a shell
Outrageous? Outstanding?
These dreams that I dwell
On thinking and wishing to be more outgoing
I’m occupied by these negative thoughts I’m not showing
Nonverbal
Perfect circle?
A circle is perfect?
Incorrect
Perfection is predictable
My prediction is that
I’ll never find anyone who’s drawn to me
I’m drawn between a life that is exciting
And one that is easy
Obligation
Occupation
This outstanding fascination
With this over examination
Of myself
O, isn’t it obvious that I’m just too obvious
O is too closed off to ever become “us”
No lines, no shape, other than round
In trouble, I am nowhere to be found
I’m occupied with being interwound
If O is just a letter
Then I’m just a sound